Making Confusion Out of Chaos

Spending time learning what you thought you already knew can be, in a word, frustrating. Instead of simply being able to just do something, there are all sorts of other steps involved. It's not a matter of knowing what you know. It's not that easy. Today, I feel decidedly disorganized. I put two photo books together. Then I read the forums on all sorts of "issues" having to do with the physical printing of these books. Soft-proofing came up several times. So, I learned about that. Found out my current software program does not allow for soft-proofing. There is no work-around for it, either. After spending hours and hours reading, tracking down other areas to study up on, downloading an ICC file and installing it where it needs to be in said software, then finding it can't be used...frustrating. Learning should be fun--and lead to something tangible. A headache is tangible, I suppose.

Which leads me to the Chaos. I have too many files on my computer, which clogs it up and makes it slow. I can't run more than two apps without the machine getting slow and crashing. Can't listen to music while working on graphics, which is something I love to do, as it gets my mind out of the way for the creative rush of images. But, music software and graphics software do not run smoothly together. Break out the CD player/boom box and use that. But, where are the CDs I like to listen to? The ones I've created for my own listening muse? Moved about here and there. Chaos. Nothing is really where it is supposed to be. So disorganized feelings and more frustration.

Change fonts every time I start a new paragraph. Why? This program doesn't hold the font setting. Weird. Another level of confusion to toss onto the pile marked Chaos. If I could simply start at the beginning and move things to where they need to be, where they belong, then I'd be left with simple confusion. Better, by far, than full out Chaos, I'd imagine. Could it be that easy? No. Because I want to work on my projects, not sort and separate life into neatly organized bins and boxes. My office is a mess! I have sorted through so many files and such, and come to the conclusion that they multiply when my back is turned. Insidiously. Just when I think I am getting a handle on things, things move around. Time to toss the dead leaves and old files. Start over. Oh, but this and that and the other might come in handy some day! Can't toss them. It's almost like a birthday or Christmas or 'Ayyam'i'Ha, finding all these old things. They feel new. Bright and shiny. Keep them! Toss them! A brain at war with itself. Not a pretty picture and not an easy environment in which to create. And I'm just looking for one silly note, one reference that might put all this chaos into a more malleable structure.

Instead, there's a frozen feeling to each minute. Should I do this first, or that? Organize my physical files or my computer files? Both? A little at a time? So I drink gallons of ice water and sit in my sweltering office and hack away at the story, the image, the learning. Jumping around and not getting anywhere.

I felt productive the last month or so. Not so much now. Fidgety and flighty now. It's not that bad. It's not that good. It's a matter of figuring out how to get it all under control. Mine. My control. I need a plan and a schedule--and a bit of meditation wherein concrete ideas can float across my mind and a sense of "I can do this!" behind the whole organizational process. Bring Chaos down to the level of Confusion, where it might become more manageable. Enough rambling. Time to sort the stacks.